I am horrible at Advent-ing

You gain alot of clarity about your family when you live across an ocean and continent from them. I try not to think about all that is going on with them too often because, to be completely honest, it makes me sad. I love being in Charlottesville. I love being a youth minister. Those things allow me to stay present HERE, but I also try to protect my heart by keeping my distance from THERE (Kailua, my home town) and from THAT (all that is going on there).

I am very good at it most of the time. I am very good at it 11 months out of the year. Then December rolls around. My family does not believe in Advent (okay we do, but we choose to ignore it) the same way my family does not believe in birthdays. We believe in birthWEEKS and often birthMONTHS.

I don't think I ever really thought about why we do things so BIG in our family. But latley as I try, and often fail to focus on Advent I find my mind wandering to my family. My family is a smorgasbord of who God has put together to hold my life in place. We basically have 5 families categories...

My family: Mom, Whitney (best friend), Aunty Kanani (mom's best friend/Whit's mom), Seth, & Kainoa
Jay's family: Mama and Papa Rutledge
The Fishers: My dad's side of the family and a large percentage of the population of Kailua
The boys: James, Zach, and Patrick. Jay's closest friends and their wives.
St. C's kids: the families that grew up together at my childhood church, our parents decided to just raise us as a bunch. It worked really well.

Those people hold the story of who I am. Who my family is. Who we will become. And each of those people as individuals hold a world of hurt.

And when one holds a world of hurt... we each hold a world of hurt.
Together we are
divorced
job-less
widowed
addicted
recovering
lonely
betrayed
frustrated
abandoned
confused
lost
dying

Yet when we are together at Christmas we are also complete. We are perfect. We are healed.

Maybe I am horribly bad at anticipating Christ's birth because I get to live the abundance of that birth everyday. I get to be complete, perfect, and healed. I have that reflected and reinforced to me through my family. It's hard to anticipate what is already so real in your life.

I believe in a LIVING GOD who daily carries a world of hurt. He also allows me to carry a little bit of it for my family. He allows his strength to heal us and he gives us an awesome day to celebrate that with his birthday. So I guess it's just my families fashion to not celebrate the day and lead up to it with anticipation but rather celebrate Christ's birthMONTH in a BIG way.

So yes, I am a horrible Advent-er.

Love is a VERB

God is very clear on what he expects from his people.

Love thy neighbor (Matthew 32:29)

Whoever does not know love does not know God, because God is love (1 John 4:8)

I know that Christians can argue all day about homosexuality, but could we argue all day about the commandment of love? Jesus was very clear about a few key things in his ministry...

-Whether you like someone or not, you have to love them

-Just because they are on the outside of YOUR society doesn't mean they are outside of God

-Be BOLD in doing what is right even if everyone else thinks its wrong

It sickens me that adults have justified the behaviors of youth who have brutalized their peers because of their sexuality (or their race, or their religion, or their gender, or their weight, or their appearance) saying that 'they are just kids' and that 'it's not a big deal'. Tyler Clementi was 18 years old. He was a freshman in college. I think of our COOS college freshman, of their tender hearts and their new adventures and all that lies ahead for them. I think of my own insecurities and shortcomings and how raw they were to me during my early young adulthood.

And I also think about what kept me safe, grounded, and in the knowledge that I was loved exactly as I was... it was the Church, it was my mom, and the families that had raised me at St. Christopher's (the church I grew up in), it was the youth minister, Michelle, I worked with at the Cathedral in Spokane. It was my fellow Christians who reminded me of the greatness that lied ahead and that the best was yet to come.

We are called to love, in the verb sense. We are called to BE there for our youth, to be present, to notice. The stories of these precious young people who have taken their own lives in the past month because of the weight they have had to carry breaks my heart and reminds me that there is not a SECOND we can waste, that we must BE THE CHURCH to EVERYONE all the time. We must not only think about how much we care but show it. Say the words. Ask the hard questions, "are you okay? what is really going on?" and also HEAR. Hear where God needs us to be for his children and hear what those children are saying.

We must DO love everyday... it is a waste to sit and bicker about what we believe is right or wrong about another's life when we are then wasting time... time that should be spent loving Christ's children.

and then there was a EYC building...

It's amazing to me how quickly life can progress, It's been a year since I moved here. I can hardly remember my first Sunday at Church of Our Saviour because it was so chaotic, it seemed like a million names, faces, and things to remember. I remember a few things...

Kahtra Kayton's necklace (two Christian fish swimming together) which later turned out to mean alot to me since it is the symbol of my community Bible study, the thing that holds my week (and sometimes life and faith) together.

I remember I wore a stripped blue skirt with a red shirt and brown cardigan.

I remember I was SCARED and so glad that Jay was with me the whole time.

The next week was our church picnic which we just had AGAIN this Sunday (the big ONE YEAR mark for my ministry here). At our last church picnic I had the kids meet early to fill water balloons, I struggled to remember their faces, their schools, their names.

And here I am
one
year
later
and their names roll off of my tounge without a thought. I even know them well enough to scold them when they try to hide from playing games. I think they find it funny when I scold them but I'll do it anyway. And in the distance as I gathered the kids, the families, the newbies, I saw this building that we had been working on all weekend. Our new youth space.

I thought I knew what I was getting into when I took this job, but like most adventures, I had no clue. I had no clue that a year from my start we would be moving into a HUGE warehouse just for youth. I had no idea that Jay and my dinner conversations would center around how so-and-so are doing this week at college or who was in what Fall sports. I had no idea that my life would function like this. I didn't know what jumping into this really meant, I didn't know that my phone would get so many text messages in a year, many of them starting with "don't be mad" or "I know it's late but..."

I didn't know I could fall deeper in love with Christ, or that his spirit could live through me so practically daily. I never knew the prayers I would pray to myself while sitting at breakfast with awesome kids or while sitting in my office with someone in pain.

I had no clue that this is what youth ministry would look like. I think if I did, I may not have taken the job because from the outside it looks crazy, but from the inside it feels right.

There are many youth ministers out there right now who would give up almost anything for the amazing space we are moving into this month. I am beyond blessed by this building, but I know that those walls will only shelter us from weather and that what lies within them is bigger, better, and far more powerful. A community of Christ lovers... and I have no clue what is next.

school supplies

One of my favorite things in the universe is shopping for school supplies. Not only do I love shopping for them, I love labeling them, covering my books, and organizing my backpack. I love perfectly sharpened pencils and markers where the tips are not yet smashed. I love the way when you open up a box of crayons all of the colors are still perfectly ordered.

I always wanted my mom to buy me the 64 pack with the sharpener on the back, but I always got the 32 instead. She was right, I never did use those 'extra' colors but there is just something about that big box that gets my heart pumping. My mom used to cover by books with brown paper bags (because I never liked the simple to use covers) and in her most perfect mom handwriting write the subject on the spine. To me shopping for school supplies was the most exciting thing to happen all summer. It is quite amazing then that I cried the first day of school. Not just in elementary school but in middle school and even in high school. As I got older I hid my anxiety, I no longer cried in front of my new classroom but often in a bathroom stall somewhere in the back of campus. Ridiculous, I would think to myself you're 15 years old (or 16 or 17) this is the same school, the same people, even some of the same teachers. I don't know why the first day was always so hard for me but inevitably I would cry.

Now as I look back on all of those years I see myself with much more perspective and tenderness and with much less judgement. I see a girl who was so worried about perfect crayons, and pencils, and books, about perfect grades, and friends, and appearances. I built so much up to what each year would hold for me that I would BURST, literally, into tears.

It's amazing the pressure we put on ourselves to be perfect, if not in all ways than in some.

My ministry is full of perfect kids. (these are just a few of many!)

I am constantly in awe of the lives they live. The things that the accomplish. I've never seen their school supplies. I don't know what their books are covered with. But I do know the greatness each of them embodies. I find myself often praying that THEY see their own greatness. I am blessed to share my life with these amazing creations of God. Sometimes I know that it is them crying in the bathroom stall. Sometimes I know that they are so worried about

perfect grades

friends

appearances

that it is easy to forget that they are

'fearfully and wonderfully made' {psalm 139:14}

Last night as I was making dinner I heard a commercial on TV for school supplies, it made me a little envious but also made my stomach clench in that first-day-of-school-holding-back-tears sort of way. And then I thought of them. I thought of all that is going on in their homes right now.

I thought of my precious 5th graders that are getting ready to start middle school. I thought of the fears that they have about changing classrooms, and new friends, and what being not a teenager but not a child anymore means.

And I thought of my darling 8th graders who are trying to figure out how this high school thing works, how to fit in where they want to fit in, and how to make the right first step into the new world that ends in college and being an adult.

And finally I thought of my seniors, who are graduated. Who I got to tube the James with this week. Who are becoming more my peers than my youth. Who are leaving on the biggest, most exciting, scariest adventure yet.

and I remembered that all them are

'fearfully and wonderfully made' {psalm 139:14}

and today I hope that they take it easy on themselves. That they trust that God has placed all of them, exactly where they are meant to be, and they are enough, just as they are, without a 64 pack of crayons or perfect grades.

Omaha... somewhere in middle America!

Any town with a Counting Crows song is good in my book... I have a feeling that Omaha is going to be great.

I am getting so excited that I can't focus (hence this blog). It amazes me how once you know you are going to see people you have not seen in what seems like forever, your thoughts return to another time. Those 4 years in Spokane at times seem like a distant memory. I think I put them there because there is so much longing I still have for that life, those people, and the memories just make me wish for them again.

It also brings tears to my eyes already to think of Tori walking down through those church doors. Not so long ago we were across the hall mates on our first day of college, scared to let go of our mommies and excited for freedom. Now we are women, married, moved, changed, but we still need our mommies, and now we need each other, too. There is nothing more powerful that female friendship, I honestly believe that. Last night I tried on my bridesmaid's dress and all I could think was how blessed I am to stand up and be a witness to two amazing people's marriage. How a 30 years from now when that dress will no long stretch over my hips, and our faces are covered in lines, we will still be standing up witnessing each other's big and small moments.

So here I go... off to Omaha... on a really killer adventure!

Being a grown-up is OVERRATED!

We have spent the past four months battling our desire to buy a house. Then about three weeks ago we decided... why go the easy way... let's BUILD a house.

note: we were not actually going to be the builders... but you get the point.

Then, as He often does, God gave us a big fat roadblock. We had done the 'good Christian thing' and decided to 'pray about it' but sometimes, when God answers my prayers with a NO I get really pissed. I mean 'pray about it' means God should give me what I WANT.

so... after all of the research, meetings {with builders, real estate agents, and mortgage brokers} we are NOT buying a house.

and I am SO RELIEVED.

I was not ready to be that grown up. Buying a house was what the world seemed to be telling me was the right thing to do. It meant we were serious about being here (everyone's reaction to us saying we were buying was "so you're really going to be here a while") like moving from Hawaii to Virginia away from everyone we love wasn't serious enough.

I don't want all my money to go to a mortgage. I like stupid stuff. I like vacation. I like pretty dresses for Tori's rehearsal dinner (ooops... Anthropology is really great and expensive!). I like going out to dinner. I like babies. I want one sometime in the near future and hear they are pretty pricey.

So I've once again (for the millionth time) discovered that being grown up is OVERRATED!

We are looking at an awesome rental on 2.5 acres. 3 bedrooms, check, renovated, check, fireplace, check. So come July this could be where you visit us!

Remember Me

I began Holy Week worrying about getting everything organized on my rather long 'to do' list.

I love to-do lists and they keep me focused, plus, crossing something off always gives me a slight thrill. Those who knew me as an over scheduled 9th grader will remember those lists in my St. Andrew's Priory school assignment tablet. In college they moved to a lime green leather organizer. Once I became a teacher one of the first study tools I gave my students was a stack of post-it notes. They made their to-do lists daily.

Holy Week's to-do list is sitting in front of me as I type... it looks like this...

Note: the small post-it is the beginning of my to-do list for next week of things I 'can't forget'

A Holy Week to-do-list is a great tool but really, it is NOT making my Holy Week holy... One of my 'to-dos' today was to paint a sheet for the children's Good Friday Service (shameless plug... be there Friday at 5:30pm!) with the words REMEMBER ME. As I did this I took some time to pray for my youth, especially the ones who will be leading this service, as well as for the children who will attend. As I sat there... praying that this experience is life-giving for all involved I looked at what I was writing... God has a way of giving us signs... and since I can be such a control freak apparently he let me create my own. I stood back to look at my accomplishment (one more thing to check off the list) and I saw this:

check. This week may include to-do-lists but it is about an amazing man who died for me. He died so that I could live. He died so that no matter how many times I forget to remember Him, no matter how many times I don't do enough, don't say the right thing, don't get it right, I am forgiven and loved.

snow strom rediculousness

We are fully aware that driving when the state tells you the roads are too dangerous is a bad idea.

Fully aware. We just feel like it's a waste of awesomeness.

{note that we do both have 4 wheel drive so we are not out there like complete idiots, only partial}

Today's adventure was traveling all over central Virginia to look at houses we may or may not be interested in buying because we may or may not be adult enough to buy a house and may or may not be willing to commit to anything that big.

Since it is two days before payday we had to pay for our fuel with quarters.

{which Jay made me do alone in the gas station because he thinks paying for things with quarters is embarassing, I think it's just helpful to stores by giving them lots of useful change}

{our idea of fuel}

We then looked at a foreclosed house that we had trouble getting to because county workers had blocked the road to apparently have a snowfight... I am happy they love their jobs. Jay may not be.

{not so excited Jay}

But thankfully our round-about trip let us see some of God's awesomeness... trees in C'ville are nothing like trees in the Pacific Northwest... they are NOT used to this snow so they are really struggling.

{Beautifully struggling tree}

Once we finally arrived at the perfect foreclosed house we realized it was directly under 64 (the interstate) and across from a chemical waste facility. We decided kids have enough stacked against them these days and we wouldn't do that to our future children, so we turned around only to get stuck behind 3 cars/farm trucks/idiots {unlike us} who were driving in the snow. It seemed like a disaster until our savior came...

{beautiful John Deer man}

So after more hours than I would like to admit we found some beautiful houses but more than that we found some beautiful Virginia.

{a good day.}

Surprise.

The past couple of months have been full of surprises, many of them centered around snow, many of them involving cancelling events that I was so excited to share with my youth: Christmas caroling, tubing, breakfasts, Crave, and even events we'd planned for Sunday mornings. As I sat down in my office yesterday, frustrated, disheartened, and just plain fed up with the amount of to-dos and cancellations. Then I got an email from a parent. God has a way of letting you think you are going somewhere to do good and it is those you are 'serving' that replenish you.

It was some meditations she had had on the snow, on how Christ had given us this bounty of precipitation to replenish our land and give us TIME. Time to be with God, time to be with the people God has given us to share our lives with. It was my ah-ha moment. Jay reminds me often of my need for constant 'stimulation' as he calls it. I am either going, getting ready to go, or gone. I am at the gym, at church, with the kids, walking the dogs, on the computer, or on the phone. I've even found myself being one of 'those people' checking my email at stop lights.

How does that bring glory to God?

My need to be connected often leaves me disconnected from the one thing that is important. Maybe it really was me that brought the snow, it was God telling me: EMILY... SLOW DOWN ALREADY! The gym is closed, your car is stuck, your electricity is off. The material is not an option right now, but you do have your husband, your dogs, and lots and lots of snow to walk through. That is exactly what we did.

I am still figuring out this 'being a youth minister' thing. I am still figuring out a lot of things in my life. My mom has always told me that your 20's are about adventures and discovering. This week I have discovered that I need to spend more time stopping and less time going. I need to listen to that still small voice and to do that, I need to turn a lot of other things off for a while.

I moved across the country to be here, in this place, right now, because I know that this is where Christ wants me. I am here to let my lifesong sing to Christ and show my youth how to do the same. I think that may mean not checking my email at stoplights. It may mean slowing down and listening to what else God has in store for me.