Wednesday, November 9, 2016

Today Hurts

Today hurts.  In a deep, unfathomable way that I was not prepared for.

Today hurts because I went to an all-girls school in the 7th grade that enforced my innate knowledge that I could achieve anything. I have classmates changing this world; morticians, lawyers, musicians, moms, cancer survivors, and teachers.  Although an Episcopal school I graduated the only Episcopalian in my class. An understanding of different religions and traditions was celebrated whenever possible.  I began a beautiful and complex walk with the Trinity and was given a chance to experience and be present for the joy that other faith traditions embody.  Many girls I graduated with were first generation immigrants to this country who held the weight of the world on their shoulders as their families had left everything and everyone to give them the gift of being an American.   As a woman and Believer... today hurts.

Today hurts because 14 years ago I left my bubble of life on an island to go to a university that prided itself on 'educating the people the world needs most'.   While I was prepared for culture shock and ready to fight battles with the 'good old boys' what I encountered was humbling.  Boys raised on deer hunting, Sunday mass, and big trucks showed up for me my freshman year when I performed The Moaner in the Vagina Monologues and had an orgasm on stage.  They pulled those hats down real low and stared at their shoes but damn if they didn't stay, hug me afterwards, and inform me they were traumatized but proud of me.  As a person who has stood witness to kind, powerful, and supportive men... today hurts.

Today hurts because I have sat in dorm rooms, across Panera tables, and in sanctuaries as people of God have shared with me their sexual orientation and I have stood witness to the power that resides in being your true self.  I have held space, cried, and prayed with a family as their child walked the treacherous road of transitioning in high school while watching as she blossomed into the child of God she is with the support of a whole parish.  I have watched friends find partners, marry, and have children.  As an ally and friend... today hurts.

Today hurts because I am a survivor of sexual assault.  Those words spewed so freely from my president-elect's mouth cause the fear, pain, and anxiety that is controlled by therapy and support to rise up.  I have sat in countless hospital rooms with women and men who have been assaulted and held hands, wiped tears, and listened as they work to claim their story and take one step forward.  I have served as an advocate as survivors process their trauma in the ER and as they contemplate suicide on a hotline.  I have seen the power in reclaiming our bodies and owning our story.  As someone with a pussy and a story... today hurts.

Today hurts because I have taught in public classrooms, churches, and in my home that kindness counts.  That 'not being an asshole' is actually the best rule of life.  That in the end, the way we treat each other matters more than anything else in the world.  As an minister, educator, and mom... today hurts.

As we sit in the reality that is today I just needed to name the ways this is not what I wanted for the place I call home.  The people I call family.  The humans who call me mom.

And this hurt... this is coming from a white woman of privilege.  I am angry and afraid but can only be witness to the fear and anger of the people I love who are LGBT, Muslim, immigrants, people of color, disabled, and in the armed forces.  I see you.  I am not you but I am with you.

This is not what I wanted for you.  Or me.

We are better than this.

We belong to each other.