Today you turned five. I laid in bed with you this morning as we watched the time tick by to your exact moment of birth, 6:40 am. Your sweet self made me WAIT to wake up your brother so you could walk into his room, wake him up, hand him his toothbrush in his crib, and create a song about it being your birthday.We met you at school later on to eat lunch with you and deliver cupcakes and you smiled and ate and were all kinds of Kindergarten and FIVE. I looked around the room to see so many children that you have known and loved for years that make up your elementary school class. Neighbors and ballet friends and preschool buddies and church people. It reminded me of what it was like for me growing up in a small town (that is no longer such a small town) and how being surrounded by that much love seems normal until you leave it.
Last night you prayed for Dad, Mom, Deacon, Dixie, and your friends and your friends and your friends. Because saying it once wouldn't cover all of them.
Hold tight to that, girl. Cling to it. YOU ARE SO LOVED.
This past year has brought on change and transition and tears and joy. At each turn you responded with an open heart and the assumption that everything was okay. I am in awe of the ways you feel safe in this world ... I'm also jealous of it.
A few months ago we were praying before bed and I prayed all that I normally do with you, that you grown in mind body and spirit... I thanked God for the girl you are, always cautious of my words and that I am focusing on your insides. You interjected, "thank you God for making me so pretty."
Well there it is.
My own fears about believing in yourself and being more than a body can be so extreme that I forgot that there is good in knowing your beauty. You are my mini-me, and when I see your outward beauty it forces me to recognize my own.I grew up different from you, my fierce girl. I was loud and scared. I was loud because I was scared. I was overweight and different and alone. That me still exists so close to my skin that I am aware of it at all the best and worst moments. I can taste what it felt like to be who I was and it is sometimes nearer to me than my true self.
Each day our goal is to let you be as true to you as possible.
Feel all. the. things.
Do all. the. things.
Say all. the. things.
We just don't want you to need to BE all the things, only the ones that speak to your heart.
You are silly and kind and compassionate. You've already become every hope we had for you. If you are those things we really don't care about the rest. Ms. Jayme told me that the other day you helped a student who struggles in PE. She was asked to do something that was beyond her capabilities and instead of watch her struggle you jumped in and walked alongside her helping her succeed.
All the pride.
That is all you need in life, my girl. To be kind. Honestly, nothing else matters. (I am sure I will act like other stuff does but it's my mom job to do that: i.e. homework, a job, brushing your teeth). This year was amazing for you. You discovered the awesome reality of living in our neighborhood and all the adventure and fun that holds. We went on our first ever family vacation, you did ballet, and went to music festivals, and grew and grew and grew.
You are a WHOLE HAND now. You are definitely a whole person. You made us a family when you were born and you glue us together on our worst and best days.
I love you... more, my sweet girl.
Mama
