Time

It is hard to believe that pretty soon I will have been a mama for one whole year.  Looking back on that precious first day I only have a few memories

• Jay cutting the cord
• AG being put in my arms
• Not getting food until 6 hours after delivery (cold eggs)
• Watching Aubrey's precious body move up and down with each God-proving breath
• The HAZE.

That first day was time-less.  It seemed to go on forever and be over in a flash.  The days since then are the same.  Sometimes it feels like I have so much to do and once it's all done, like I have done nothing.  

I have been a lot of things this last 11 months; a mom, a wife, a youth minister, a daughter, a friend.  The problem is... I haven't been intentional.  I haven't paused and been present in the way my heart knows I need to be.  There have been phone calls I have neglected. There have been dates left unplanned.  There have been moments I should I have been on the floor with my baby when I've been on the couch on my phone.  

I'm not sure what the magic solution is, part of it is, for me, this.  Writing, reflecting, being present in my own thoughts.  It's taking the time to do personal devotions before writing them for my youth.  It's reading when I'd rather watch.  It's listening when I'd rather speak.  It's in the silence.  

We are in the process of buying a new home.  At any other time in my life I would be bursting to move in, yet I am feeling admittedly empty about it.  I love the house, love the neighborhood, love that we are blessed enough to have a home of our own.  Yet still, empty.  I think I am afraid of what it means.  It means it's time for me to re-connect.  It's time for me to plant, to water, to grow.  Not just to survive.

I am such a planner that since I was a small child, I had imagined what raising a child would be like.  I was raised in the same town that both my parents were raised in.  When I thought of a baby I imagined Castle Hospital (where I was born) and daily visits from my mom.  I imagined my best friend shopping with me and my nephews teaching AG to walk.  I imagined a lot of things that are not in the picture.  I imagined a different life.

The quote constantly comes to mind that 

"we must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"

-Joseph Campbell

Maybe I have been so detached because I reached the point where the rubber hit the road and this is no longer the life I had planned.  It's not bad.  Not bad by any means... just different.  I struggle with different.  I didn't imagine that in my first year as a mom I would need to put real effort into making friends.  I didn't think that I would not have my mom a short drive away to pick up the pieces when I was falling apart.  I didn't imagine this.  

And thank God, because HE did.  

But, as always, when God's plan and mine don't line up... I throw a fit.  

I think I have been throwing a fit for about 11 months.  

So it's official, fit over.  It's time to live the life that is waiting for me.

So... here I come.  

Prayers welcome,

E

Expert Worrier

I am an expert worrier.

Jay has learned one of the worst things to say to me is
Don't worry about it
because that is impossible... and when he says it I give him the put.yourself.in.my.shoes.you.don't.clean.the.toilets.or.fold.the.laundry stare and he knows I will go all Crazy Emily and make a fight out of something that was meant to be sweet & comforting.

On my list of things to worry about today:
-Did we buy the right car? even thought I know God led us right to it.
-Is my mom happy/lonely/healthy/ok without us?
-Will Aubrey have a developmental problem?
-How will the dogs get to the kennel now that I own a car and not an SUV? please note: the next time they need to go to a kennel is in JUNE!
-Do the kids who I have to discipline a lot in our youth community know how much I love them like crazy?  Do their parents hate me for laying down the law?
-My foot has been killing me about every two weeks... what happens if it is really messed up and I can never workout again (and thus my natural antidepressant is gone)?  How will I ever loose the rest of the 50 pounds I have to go???!!!!

Some of these things are crazy to anyone else but just typing them brought me to tears.  Which could be a whole nother issue since I do cry at least once a day.  But I wonder what my day would look like without worry.

I might remember that:
-This morning I awoke to the sound of a husband that loves me getting ready to work hard to provide for our family
-My baby is healthy and happy today.
-I had breakfast with an awesome group of youth who are thoughtful, smart, witty, and inspiring.
-I get to work from home on Mondays and respond to emails, call families, and get the week set with my little girl playing on the floor beneath me
-I am having coffee with a kid who reminds me what the results of good parenting are and why I live across the world from my family.

So as much as I hate Jay for being right (and now it's published online this may become our new screen saver) I know that I need to not worry about it.  As powerful as I'd like to believe I am... my worry will not change anything.  My worry really does just take away today's peace.