It's hard to believe we have had you out in this world as part of our family for a whole year. Your dad and I can't get over how fast it has gone. It's a lot like when the doctor told me to push and I thought I had hours before you'd arrive like I had with your sister and three minutes later he tossed you up on to my chest and said, "that's a big boy, he asked for my keys on the way out!"I know you will hear it from everyone else so you might as well hear it from me, I wanted you to be a girl. Desperately. I just wasn't sure I knew how to be a mom to a boy. I cried in the ultrasound when they told us that you were you. I will pay for a portion of your therapy later in life. Everyone told me that as soon as I met you it would all change. They were right. I was annoyed at how right they were. Your sister is me. She is sassy and pretends she knows more than she actually does. You, you are your father. You were a gift to us that we didn't know we were going to need to unwrap this year.
I have heard before that siblings are the best gift you can give your children. You and your sister are the best thing I have ever seen together. I didn't get to grow up with your Uncle Toby. He was 6 years older than me and we always lived in different houses. Your dad grew up an only child. He has been given the gift of siblings as an adult. He is just getting to know your Aunty Amanda & Aunty Courtney and what a blessings they have already been! It has been earth shattering for the two of us to watch the two of you because we just never had what you two have. Tonight your sister fed you dinner. She has taught you baby sign language. She tells us what you need. She knows you in ways that I fear we never will. You two are bonded in a way that I prayed for from the moment that I knew you were growing inside of me. I think that is why I had wanted you to be a girl. I had believed that the only way you would be that close with your sister was if you were the same gender. I was WRONG.
I am never wrong so this will be the last time in your whole entire life.
This year has been hard in so many ways... except for you.
You were born easy. From the moment you flew out of me.
You ate (once I gave up trying to believe I could somehow breastfeed even though I knew I couldn't).
You slept (and continue to) through the night from an age that makes other moms hate me.
Even when you are sick, which is all the time because you are in daycare, you smile and play. You had the flu last month and the nurse laughed that I had brought you in for the flu because you had a 'fever' of 98.9. She said no one with the current flu has a fever that low... the test came back positive. No one except YOU.
Even at one day shy of one month old when you were hospitalized because you had a fever (because your parents just can't shield you from germs because we don't have time for it and you have a three year old sister who leaves the house) and the nurses just came in to play with you because you were the un-sickest sick baby in the unit so there was no actual nursing to do with you.
You did teach mommy a very good lesson during that whole fiasco. Always wear cute clothes when going to the hospital with your child... pediatric doctors are very good looking. Do not show up in old maternity pants and a dirty hoodie. Thank you, dear child.
This year has been full of challenges and pain. Pain I have never in my life felt before. We have received news about your Tutu that will change her life and ours. It nearly broke me. In the moments when the fear and uncertainty began to eat me up there would be your face...
God has placed in you a spirit of joy I have never seen in another person. I know that I was blessed with a well of happiness that is deep to draw on and I have been thankful for that my entire life but you, my sweet boy, make my well seem shallow. At first I thought it was just me but I now know that you share it with everyone you are with. Your teachers see it, too. Aunty Jen sees it when she drops Leann off in your classroom each day. You are happy. Deep down, rooted in your soul, happy. That gift is for you, but it is also for us. God knew we needed you for what lies ahead. Your dad and I agree that you will cause us great anxiety because you have no fear and love fun and do often resemble a small drunk college student but your happiness is infectious.
Last week we lost someone dear to us. Your Aunty Jenn died of a really crappy disease. It makes me really really sad that you won't remember her but I will have lots of stories to tell you and she is woven into who you are and who we are as a family and she is part of you. She was one of the first people that knew you were growing inside of me. She was there when your sister and you were baptized and blessed the home that you sleep in. She came to the hospital when you were born and held you. She had a special thing she did with her son, Chris, who you will know (and who will probably teach you things I don't want to know about) which was called noggin. They would touch heads. Towards the end it was the one sign of affection she could actively participate in. The last time you saw her I had brought you to church because you were sick and I told her to stay away because I was not giving the ALS patient the flu. She gave me her typical look of 'I don't care what you think I'll do what I like' and rolled over to you. She loved you so. I brought you closer and you leaned over to her and gave her a noggin. It was love.
Deac, we want the world for you. I was so nervous about having a boy because I feel lots of pressure to raise a good man. Then I remembered I married one so a lot of that pressure is off because your daddy is really good at this raising a good man thing. We want your life to be full. We want you to find a partner that you love, a calling that fills your heart, and we want you to want us to be around you even if you are a drunk college student. We want you to be a man who stands up for women. We want you to understand consent and teach it to the boys in the locker room. We want you to break the stereotypes. We know, pretty definitively, that you will be very tall and intimidating looking. We want you to use that for good and not evil. People will think you are a good old boy, like they think your dad is, we want you to surprise them. We want you to use words like gender stereotypes and penis and vagina. We want you to see people for their hearts and not their physical attributes or social standing. We want you to decide if college is right for you or if being a mechanic would make your heart happier. We want you to fall in love with Jesus and find out why He made you the happiest kid on the planet.
And even though your parents are constantly trying to break gender norms by dressing you like this...
I'm so glad you were born you.
I love you.
