Right now.
Because I have absolutely no time to do it so I am fairly sure I should.
May in ministry feels like an endless string of ends and beginnings that don't fit together.
Graduations and welcome letters.
End of the year breakfasts and next year's calendar.
It always makes me feel like I am living in two separate worlds and I often struggle to be present in the moment we live in anyway so, needless to say, Facebook tweaking and reality TV watching has overtaken quality Sabbath time and meditation. As I slowly begin to awaken from my media-numbing coma I'm left with June.
Aubrey Grace will be baptized on Sunday.
We leave for the mission trip the following Saturday.
And it's time I check in and get present... stat.
These are sitting on my desk right now.
Devotions for each night of the mission trip. Carefully typed, copied, color coded, and to be highlighted. I know what they will look like in a few short days, scribbled with reflections on Jesus and service and 14 young people's dive into the lives of His people in Arkansas.
I pray over each one, as I highlight and wonder what meaning these words will have. God always seems to reveal himself in them in a deep, meaningful, personal, ALIVE way each year. I know this year will be the same.
I am ready to be amazed.
I have put so much of my heart and prayer-time and energy into preparing for this year's mission trip, the details that matter and those that just make life easier, that I have done what I promised I wouldn't do.
I've let my daughter fall into second place.
Last Sunday I had a fleeting moment of 'we should just POSTPONE the baptism'
Jay told me I was crazy.
He was right.
I said 'I'm just not prepared'.
I hadn't bought the perfect dress (for either of us).
I had not planned anything meaningful or unique or special for my daughter.
I hadn't really given it a second thought.
I even dropped the ball on asking her Godparents to be her Godparents. That's something someone really likes to hear last minute!
I had created detailed car assignments for 14 teenagers and 3 leaders but had not taken 10 minutes to pray about my own child's BAPTISM.
Mother's guilt is real people. And it's living at the Rutledge house right now.
And and as much as I would love to believe in the miraculous power of my type-A personality I know that my organization does not make the Holy Spirit move.
My color-coded devotionals do not move a teenager to accept Jesus Christ.
My carefully selected (or not) toddler dress does not make AG's Baptism powerful and Holy and real.
So...
I'm pausing. Right now.
Because I have absolutely no time to do it so I am fairly sure I should.
