The NO Phase.

Today has been one of those days when humanity is exhausting.

And AG has entered the 'NO' phase.

The combination of these things led me to letting AG play in the dog bowl for 20 minutes because I just didn't have the energy to re-direct her and she was quietly entertained and  amamajustneedsaminute sometimes.

And if you were wondering if my child ever wears clothes in our house... the answer is no.  It's our little way of keeping some Hawaii in this mainland girl.

As I watched this sweet difficult human find her voice (which now only consists of NO and DOGGIE) while playing in dirty water, I thought of today's battle with humanity.  

Today's battle: not everyone is as open, loving, and accepting as the people that I've been lucky enough to be surrounded by my entire life.

I am pushing up against situations that I have never experienced before, situations where all I want to say is:

NO (while pointing my finger) 

and YOU ARE STUPID (because I'm not very eloquent when people make me mad)

and START LOVING LIKE JESUS OR GOD IS GOING TO SMITE YOU (because sometimes I want the Old Testament God to enforce New Testament rules like loving EVERYONE)

note:  I realizing hoping for smiting is unChristian... I'm working on it.

I have been trying to reach back and find a situation in my life where someone else was unable to show inclusive love in a difficult situation.  Truth be told, I can't.  My entire life I have been immersed in communities that said:

YES

YOU ARE WORTHY

YOU ARE ONE OF US

YOUR DIFFERENCE IS BEAUTIFUL

and 

WE BELONG TO EACH OTHER

Where the hell did I grow up and go to school and work?  Points for my mom because although life has been hard, and scary, and brutal, I have never lived in a world without unconditional love.  

As an extremely overweight teenager I had friends who celebrated my gifts and supported me as I grappled with unhealthy habits.

As a daughter I was told that I was enough; grades, accomplishments, and honors were not icing on the cake, they were THINGS that did not define me. If I got them, great, if I didn't, great.  

As a wife I have been shown worth, and care, and compassion and that no matter how hard I try... Jay isn't going anywhere (divorced kid problems!)

And now, at 28 years old, I am facing situations which make me feel like a 18 month old, just learning how to be.  It's a foreign universe to me, this place where judgement is cast without considering compassion.  

Maybe I'm glad I'm being stretched.  Maybe I'm not.  I can't quite decide.

A friend told me today, "not everyone lives in the bubble of love that we do"

Well that stinks... because this bubble is pretty rad.  

So as I watched the puddle grow bigger and bigger on our kitchen floor (remember, I was thinking all this during my minute when AG was making a complete mess) I realized that smiting would never be allowed in our love bubble.  

But... more people are totally allowed.  

Those people who I'm pointing my finger at and saying NO to.  They are welcome.  They need to be shown with compassion how transformative life is when you choose love.  And that, my friends, is my challenge.  It's my call to joyfully clean up the  mess before me.  If only I could look as cute as this kid does when doing it.  

Life Lesson: No one cares about your stupid Pinterest project, Emily!

God has been pretty awesome lately*.  I had been praying a good long time for a few things:

1. Friends (my own age!)

2. A bible study that AG could be with me for. Since it would have to be on my day off I didn't want to lose out on an entire morning with her.

*note: God is awesome all the time, I know this, but I am selfish and often His awesome makes stretches me and I HATE CHANGE.  

So through the many ways and channels that God works a group of young mamas was assembled for a bible study book club.  There are four of us with 6 kiddos (5 of them are two and under).  Our first meeting was last Thursday.  I cleaned my house.  Like really cleaned it, I even mopped my floors which only happens 3 times a year.  I decorated for Valentine's Day with Pinterest crafts that made me look straight Martha Stewart.  I even washed the dog pillow.  Really people... I was on a roll.  As I set out snacks and made coffee waiting for my doorbell to ring I looked at my house and thought... 'Oh yeah, Emily... you are TOTALLY a grown-up and your house looks adorable'.

Enter women and kiddos and diaper bags.  It was an hour and a half of talking about JESUS and how to be a woman of God in this world.  An hour and a half of loving on other mama's babies. An hour and a half of hearing each other's stories. An hour and a half in the presence of other women walking this hard path of raising little people and loving our husbands and trying to somehow hold on to ourselves in the process.  For me, it was an hour and a half of overflowing grace.

Then babies were packed up and plans were made for next time and my dog got to come back inside.  

I sat in my kitchen feeding AG lunch and a thought occurred to me... no one said anything about my adorable Pinterest decorations!   In that moment I knew that God had brought together the perfect group of women for me. The ones who won't feed my ego but will nourish my soul.  The ones that won't perpetuate my desire to be the perfect mom/wife/daughter/Christian but who will remind me that we are broken people trying desperately to serve Christ.  The ones that care much more about my heart than my house.  

His providence continually humbles me.  I hope this week God's providence is revealed to you in a new and surprising way!  I also hope you don't waste too much time on Pinterest... apparently that crap won't make you friends!

Time

It is hard to believe that pretty soon I will have been a mama for one whole year.  Looking back on that precious first day I only have a few memories

• Jay cutting the cord
• AG being put in my arms
• Not getting food until 6 hours after delivery (cold eggs)
• Watching Aubrey's precious body move up and down with each God-proving breath
• The HAZE.

That first day was time-less.  It seemed to go on forever and be over in a flash.  The days since then are the same.  Sometimes it feels like I have so much to do and once it's all done, like I have done nothing.  

I have been a lot of things this last 11 months; a mom, a wife, a youth minister, a daughter, a friend.  The problem is... I haven't been intentional.  I haven't paused and been present in the way my heart knows I need to be.  There have been phone calls I have neglected. There have been dates left unplanned.  There have been moments I should I have been on the floor with my baby when I've been on the couch on my phone.  

I'm not sure what the magic solution is, part of it is, for me, this.  Writing, reflecting, being present in my own thoughts.  It's taking the time to do personal devotions before writing them for my youth.  It's reading when I'd rather watch.  It's listening when I'd rather speak.  It's in the silence.  

We are in the process of buying a new home.  At any other time in my life I would be bursting to move in, yet I am feeling admittedly empty about it.  I love the house, love the neighborhood, love that we are blessed enough to have a home of our own.  Yet still, empty.  I think I am afraid of what it means.  It means it's time for me to re-connect.  It's time for me to plant, to water, to grow.  Not just to survive.

I am such a planner that since I was a small child, I had imagined what raising a child would be like.  I was raised in the same town that both my parents were raised in.  When I thought of a baby I imagined Castle Hospital (where I was born) and daily visits from my mom.  I imagined my best friend shopping with me and my nephews teaching AG to walk.  I imagined a lot of things that are not in the picture.  I imagined a different life.

The quote constantly comes to mind that 

"we must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"

-Joseph Campbell

Maybe I have been so detached because I reached the point where the rubber hit the road and this is no longer the life I had planned.  It's not bad.  Not bad by any means... just different.  I struggle with different.  I didn't imagine that in my first year as a mom I would need to put real effort into making friends.  I didn't think that I would not have my mom a short drive away to pick up the pieces when I was falling apart.  I didn't imagine this.  

And thank God, because HE did.  

But, as always, when God's plan and mine don't line up... I throw a fit.  

I think I have been throwing a fit for about 11 months.  

So it's official, fit over.  It's time to live the life that is waiting for me.

So... here I come.  

Prayers welcome,

E