Perfection

from the January 14, 2013 EYC Update...

Perfection. 

We are a little obsessed with it.

Perfect families.

Perfect bodies.

Perfect grades.

Perfect (insert your unrealistic noun here).

Webster has 18 definitions of PERFECT, the first four are:

1. Being entirely without fault or defect: flawless

2. Satisfying all the requirements: accurate

3. Corresponding to an ideal standard or abstract concept

4. Faithfully reproducing the original

I am starting to wonder who creates the ruler that we measure this perfection by. 

Who decides what our own personal perfect looks like?

Jesus lived in a time when 'perfect' meant you had to follow a lot of rules.  Rules about how you washed your hands before you ate.  Who you were allowed to interact with.  How you dressed.  Sometimes we hear that Jesus was PERFECT. 

To us, now, we see his perfection.

To His society, in first century Palestine, he was far far far from flawless, accurate, and corresponding to the ideal standard.  He ate with tax collectors and let a sinful woman wash his feet.  He touched lepers and called fishermen to be his apprentices. 

Jesus' measurement of perfection looked very different than his society's.  It still does. As His people... our definition should probably look a very different fromour society's.

What if we stuck to just focusing on one definition of perfect:

faithfully reproducing the original

"In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.  He was with God in the beginning.  The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth." John 1-2, 14

Streamlining.

For 3 years I have tried to blog.  It has failed.  Epic epic failure.  As I looked to the new year I wanted my focus to be being PRESENT.  Being present for my own life.  I know myself, and I know to do that I need to write it out.  I knew that when I made two blogs a few years ago.  Emily's personal blog and Emily's youth ministry blog.  And both were epic failures.  Thank you for those who reminded me, you are the people I love most because you know I need to be called out.

For 3.5 years I have been trying to keep the distinction between Emily the friend/wife/sister/mom and Emily the youth minister.  Boundaries (which I am not saying I don't believe in but I am getting a little more realistic about) that I tried to keep to make my life manageable.

Well my life is NOT manageable.  

That has become pretty real for me.  I am a full time mom, full time youth minister, full time wife, full time daughter, and full time friend with a baby in childcare only 2 days a week.  I am one big ball of unmanaged mess.  But this is what it is right now.  This is what life looks like.  One big messy blog, filled with youth ministry rants and mama freak outs and life.  My vocation will never fit in the 9-5 world and it spills into my parenting and my marriage and my family.  And my family and my marriage and my parenting spill into my ministry.  It's not perfect.  It makes me feel guilty and blessed.  But it's all one.

So I've given up on trying to keep things in their neat compartments.  If I am living by my word in 2013
being present
it's going to be sloppy but it's going to be real.

and I figured out how to merge my blogs while AG ate lunch so bonus points for me today and successful multi-tasking and working at home with a 16 month old.  

Empty Tomb Moments

  First... watch this clip.  If you are anything like me, have a tissue available.

I believe that THAT is the kingdom of God.  Right there, on that court, is what eternity will feel like.  I don't know about you all but lately, I have been loosing some of my faith in humanity.  I know that our God can shine his light in even the darkest of places but sometimes it just seems unfair that those places are dark at all.  

Sometimes, I need to see a Jason McElwain.  I need to see that sometimes there is nothing but light.  A young man who humbled himself, served, and gave thirsty people water.  A young man who spoke words of encouragement and power into a team he loved but couldn't suit up with.  A young man who did all of this without letting a bitter root grow in his heart.  

And then, to see him receive the glory he deserved but never asked for... it is like seeing the empty tomb. 

So here is to a year of having 'empty tomb' moments. Moments where the light is so bright we momentarily forget there is any dark.  Moments when the power of Christ is so near we can't stop making 3-pointers.  Moments when we are so excited for one another that we can't help but to jump up and down and scream.  

Time

It is hard to believe that pretty soon I will have been a mama for one whole year.  Looking back on that precious first day I only have a few memories

• Jay cutting the cord
• AG being put in my arms
• Not getting food until 6 hours after delivery (cold eggs)
• Watching Aubrey's precious body move up and down with each God-proving breath
• The HAZE.

That first day was time-less.  It seemed to go on forever and be over in a flash.  The days since then are the same.  Sometimes it feels like I have so much to do and once it's all done, like I have done nothing.  

I have been a lot of things this last 11 months; a mom, a wife, a youth minister, a daughter, a friend.  The problem is... I haven't been intentional.  I haven't paused and been present in the way my heart knows I need to be.  There have been phone calls I have neglected. There have been dates left unplanned.  There have been moments I should I have been on the floor with my baby when I've been on the couch on my phone.  

I'm not sure what the magic solution is, part of it is, for me, this.  Writing, reflecting, being present in my own thoughts.  It's taking the time to do personal devotions before writing them for my youth.  It's reading when I'd rather watch.  It's listening when I'd rather speak.  It's in the silence.  

We are in the process of buying a new home.  At any other time in my life I would be bursting to move in, yet I am feeling admittedly empty about it.  I love the house, love the neighborhood, love that we are blessed enough to have a home of our own.  Yet still, empty.  I think I am afraid of what it means.  It means it's time for me to re-connect.  It's time for me to plant, to water, to grow.  Not just to survive.

I am such a planner that since I was a small child, I had imagined what raising a child would be like.  I was raised in the same town that both my parents were raised in.  When I thought of a baby I imagined Castle Hospital (where I was born) and daily visits from my mom.  I imagined my best friend shopping with me and my nephews teaching AG to walk.  I imagined a lot of things that are not in the picture.  I imagined a different life.

The quote constantly comes to mind that 

"we must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"

-Joseph Campbell

Maybe I have been so detached because I reached the point where the rubber hit the road and this is no longer the life I had planned.  It's not bad.  Not bad by any means... just different.  I struggle with different.  I didn't imagine that in my first year as a mom I would need to put real effort into making friends.  I didn't think that I would not have my mom a short drive away to pick up the pieces when I was falling apart.  I didn't imagine this.  

And thank God, because HE did.  

But, as always, when God's plan and mine don't line up... I throw a fit.  

I think I have been throwing a fit for about 11 months.  

So it's official, fit over.  It's time to live the life that is waiting for me.

So... here I come.  

Prayers welcome,

E

Expert Worrier

I am an expert worrier.

Jay has learned one of the worst things to say to me is
Don't worry about it
because that is impossible... and when he says it I give him the put.yourself.in.my.shoes.you.don't.clean.the.toilets.or.fold.the.laundry stare and he knows I will go all Crazy Emily and make a fight out of something that was meant to be sweet & comforting.

On my list of things to worry about today:
-Did we buy the right car? even thought I know God led us right to it.
-Is my mom happy/lonely/healthy/ok without us?
-Will Aubrey have a developmental problem?
-How will the dogs get to the kennel now that I own a car and not an SUV? please note: the next time they need to go to a kennel is in JUNE!
-Do the kids who I have to discipline a lot in our youth community know how much I love them like crazy?  Do their parents hate me for laying down the law?
-My foot has been killing me about every two weeks... what happens if it is really messed up and I can never workout again (and thus my natural antidepressant is gone)?  How will I ever loose the rest of the 50 pounds I have to go???!!!!

Some of these things are crazy to anyone else but just typing them brought me to tears.  Which could be a whole nother issue since I do cry at least once a day.  But I wonder what my day would look like without worry.

I might remember that:
-This morning I awoke to the sound of a husband that loves me getting ready to work hard to provide for our family
-My baby is healthy and happy today.
-I had breakfast with an awesome group of youth who are thoughtful, smart, witty, and inspiring.
-I get to work from home on Mondays and respond to emails, call families, and get the week set with my little girl playing on the floor beneath me
-I am having coffee with a kid who reminds me what the results of good parenting are and why I live across the world from my family.

So as much as I hate Jay for being right (and now it's published online this may become our new screen saver) I know that I need to not worry about it.  As powerful as I'd like to believe I am... my worry will not change anything.  My worry really does just take away today's peace.

New Normal

It's my last week of maternity leave.  How on earth did 8 weeks fly by so freaking quickly?

How did this little baby transform from a foreigner in our home to the heart of it?

How do I get dressed in REAL clothes to go to work?

How do I WORK?  Somedays it takes all I can to get out of the house.

And mostly... how do I drop this little girl off with someone who isn't ME?  I have control issues as it is, with a child they have ramped up.  Yet, I am excited to know what life looks like 

back at the gym

back with my youth

back in the office

back at meetings

all... with a kid.

Every time I think that I just can't do it... I just can't... I think of all of those that have done it in the past... all that are doing it at the same time as me... and all that will be doing it soon enough.

Speak of soon enough... is this what happens in your late 20s (it was very difficult to type LATE 20's) EVERYONE IS PREGNANT.

No, of course it's not EVERY SINGLE PERSON I KNOW but basically.

I could list them all but there are a lot living in the 'secret' phase.  I kinda love that time, when only a few people know and you feel like the luckiest friend ever because you get to know.  Stop guessing... you'll find out soon enough.  

Here is to the new normal.  Where I can't just go to the gym for 2 hours a day.  Where I have to make bottles, and label things (well, I do love the labeling part), and plan meals in advance.  Where time at home seems precious and I'm not antsy to get out.  Where I live my life as Emily, the wife, friend, youth minister, and MOM.  

But today... I'm wearing yoga pants and not leaving the house... because I still have a couple more day so of maternity leave.  

The Best Laid Plans...



Aubrey Grace is here

Praise God

7 pounds

11 ounces

19.5 inches long

and perfect.

She is perfect, everything that led up to and followed her birth was perfectly God's plan and perfectly NOT Emily's.  This whole mom thing is throwing a BIG wrench is my compulsive type-A personality. 

My mom flew the day before my due date for the birth... and left 7 days later right before my water broke.

My non-medicated tub labor became a pitocin induced, internal monitor having, epidural supported labor.

My 9 pound baby I was prepared to birth was not even 8 pounds (that wasn't such a bad surprise!)

My completely breast-fed baby has become a formula baby.

My concerns about her being 'too big' from birth has shifted to us working tirelessly to get her to put on weight.

This is parenthood. 

And in the midst of the madness God has planned perfectly for what he had in store for Aubrey.

A husband who knows how to hold it together, hold my hand, and hold our precious baby.

A church family that brings us meals every night, making sure that if nothing else, we have a great meal every day.

A best friend who took a week away from her family to help me make mine. 

so here we go... she is two weeks old and I have learned more about myself and my Creator than I had in the past 27 years. 

I keep reminding myself that the best is yet to come... but what is happening now is pretty amazing, too.