Time

It is hard to believe that pretty soon I will have been a mama for one whole year.  Looking back on that precious first day I only have a few memories

• Jay cutting the cord
• AG being put in my arms
• Not getting food until 6 hours after delivery (cold eggs)
• Watching Aubrey's precious body move up and down with each God-proving breath
• The HAZE.

That first day was time-less.  It seemed to go on forever and be over in a flash.  The days since then are the same.  Sometimes it feels like I have so much to do and once it's all done, like I have done nothing.  

I have been a lot of things this last 11 months; a mom, a wife, a youth minister, a daughter, a friend.  The problem is... I haven't been intentional.  I haven't paused and been present in the way my heart knows I need to be.  There have been phone calls I have neglected. There have been dates left unplanned.  There have been moments I should I have been on the floor with my baby when I've been on the couch on my phone.  

I'm not sure what the magic solution is, part of it is, for me, this.  Writing, reflecting, being present in my own thoughts.  It's taking the time to do personal devotions before writing them for my youth.  It's reading when I'd rather watch.  It's listening when I'd rather speak.  It's in the silence.  

We are in the process of buying a new home.  At any other time in my life I would be bursting to move in, yet I am feeling admittedly empty about it.  I love the house, love the neighborhood, love that we are blessed enough to have a home of our own.  Yet still, empty.  I think I am afraid of what it means.  It means it's time for me to re-connect.  It's time for me to plant, to water, to grow.  Not just to survive.

I am such a planner that since I was a small child, I had imagined what raising a child would be like.  I was raised in the same town that both my parents were raised in.  When I thought of a baby I imagined Castle Hospital (where I was born) and daily visits from my mom.  I imagined my best friend shopping with me and my nephews teaching AG to walk.  I imagined a lot of things that are not in the picture.  I imagined a different life.

The quote constantly comes to mind that 

"we must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"

-Joseph Campbell

Maybe I have been so detached because I reached the point where the rubber hit the road and this is no longer the life I had planned.  It's not bad.  Not bad by any means... just different.  I struggle with different.  I didn't imagine that in my first year as a mom I would need to put real effort into making friends.  I didn't think that I would not have my mom a short drive away to pick up the pieces when I was falling apart.  I didn't imagine this.  

And thank God, because HE did.  

But, as always, when God's plan and mine don't line up... I throw a fit.  

I think I have been throwing a fit for about 11 months.  

So it's official, fit over.  It's time to live the life that is waiting for me.

So... here I come.  

Prayers welcome,

E

Expert Worrier

I am an expert worrier.

Jay has learned one of the worst things to say to me is
Don't worry about it
because that is impossible... and when he says it I give him the put.yourself.in.my.shoes.you.don't.clean.the.toilets.or.fold.the.laundry stare and he knows I will go all Crazy Emily and make a fight out of something that was meant to be sweet & comforting.

On my list of things to worry about today:
-Did we buy the right car? even thought I know God led us right to it.
-Is my mom happy/lonely/healthy/ok without us?
-Will Aubrey have a developmental problem?
-How will the dogs get to the kennel now that I own a car and not an SUV? please note: the next time they need to go to a kennel is in JUNE!
-Do the kids who I have to discipline a lot in our youth community know how much I love them like crazy?  Do their parents hate me for laying down the law?
-My foot has been killing me about every two weeks... what happens if it is really messed up and I can never workout again (and thus my natural antidepressant is gone)?  How will I ever loose the rest of the 50 pounds I have to go???!!!!

Some of these things are crazy to anyone else but just typing them brought me to tears.  Which could be a whole nother issue since I do cry at least once a day.  But I wonder what my day would look like without worry.

I might remember that:
-This morning I awoke to the sound of a husband that loves me getting ready to work hard to provide for our family
-My baby is healthy and happy today.
-I had breakfast with an awesome group of youth who are thoughtful, smart, witty, and inspiring.
-I get to work from home on Mondays and respond to emails, call families, and get the week set with my little girl playing on the floor beneath me
-I am having coffee with a kid who reminds me what the results of good parenting are and why I live across the world from my family.

So as much as I hate Jay for being right (and now it's published online this may become our new screen saver) I know that I need to not worry about it.  As powerful as I'd like to believe I am... my worry will not change anything.  My worry really does just take away today's peace.

New Normal

It's my last week of maternity leave.  How on earth did 8 weeks fly by so freaking quickly?

How did this little baby transform from a foreigner in our home to the heart of it?

How do I get dressed in REAL clothes to go to work?

How do I WORK?  Somedays it takes all I can to get out of the house.

And mostly... how do I drop this little girl off with someone who isn't ME?  I have control issues as it is, with a child they have ramped up.  Yet, I am excited to know what life looks like 

back at the gym

back with my youth

back in the office

back at meetings

all... with a kid.

Every time I think that I just can't do it... I just can't... I think of all of those that have done it in the past... all that are doing it at the same time as me... and all that will be doing it soon enough.

Speak of soon enough... is this what happens in your late 20s (it was very difficult to type LATE 20's) EVERYONE IS PREGNANT.

No, of course it's not EVERY SINGLE PERSON I KNOW but basically.

I could list them all but there are a lot living in the 'secret' phase.  I kinda love that time, when only a few people know and you feel like the luckiest friend ever because you get to know.  Stop guessing... you'll find out soon enough.  

Here is to the new normal.  Where I can't just go to the gym for 2 hours a day.  Where I have to make bottles, and label things (well, I do love the labeling part), and plan meals in advance.  Where time at home seems precious and I'm not antsy to get out.  Where I live my life as Emily, the wife, friend, youth minister, and MOM.  

But today... I'm wearing yoga pants and not leaving the house... because I still have a couple more day so of maternity leave.  

The Best Laid Plans...



Aubrey Grace is here

Praise God

7 pounds

11 ounces

19.5 inches long

and perfect.

She is perfect, everything that led up to and followed her birth was perfectly God's plan and perfectly NOT Emily's.  This whole mom thing is throwing a BIG wrench is my compulsive type-A personality. 

My mom flew the day before my due date for the birth... and left 7 days later right before my water broke.

My non-medicated tub labor became a pitocin induced, internal monitor having, epidural supported labor.

My 9 pound baby I was prepared to birth was not even 8 pounds (that wasn't such a bad surprise!)

My completely breast-fed baby has become a formula baby.

My concerns about her being 'too big' from birth has shifted to us working tirelessly to get her to put on weight.

This is parenthood. 

And in the midst of the madness God has planned perfectly for what he had in store for Aubrey.

A husband who knows how to hold it together, hold my hand, and hold our precious baby.

A church family that brings us meals every night, making sure that if nothing else, we have a great meal every day.

A best friend who took a week away from her family to help me make mine. 

so here we go... she is two weeks old and I have learned more about myself and my Creator than I had in the past 27 years. 

I keep reminding myself that the best is yet to come... but what is happening now is pretty amazing, too.

things I didn't think I'd think when I was pregnant.

With 4 weeks left* on this adventure of pregnancy there are a few thoughts that have passed through my mind that I never expected to think.  Let alone say out loud. 

*it better be 4 weeks because I really want to give birth at that new hospital... and yes... I check the countdown daily to make sure nothing has changed.

Inapropro pregnancy thoughts

• if my water breaks on my favorite spin bike... does that mean I won't have to get to class 10 minutes early and leave every earthly possession I have on my person on my bike so no one takes it?  Will it become 'that bike' and no one will ever ever ever want to spin on it again... I sure do hope so.
• there is no turning back.  This is really happening, and unless we give her up for adoption this baby is going to be with us ALL THE TIME.  (this was said out-loud to Jay, his face reassured me that I was being irrational and he was a little afraid I am the mother of his child)
• what happens if we have an ugly baby... (like REALLY ugly not ugly-like-they-all-are.  I do realize you will probably see the ugly-like-they-all-are pictures and remember this) She is going to be a girl and as much as I hate to say it... nobody wants to be the ugly girl.  Jay is a good lookin' guy... he could never be a cross-dresser, he would be a horribly ugly woman.  And she will be half him.  Lord help me
• I hope she's not uber smart.  I want an average kid, no super-genius that I can't hold a conversation with or help with her her homework past the 3rd grade.  Plus, our family doesn't really get along with the super smart people, they don't get our sense of humor.
• What if I really should have had LESS caffeine... I tried.  I swear.  But I still drank the daily cup (or two).  I did not do any hardcore drugs so at least I don't have that to worry about that on top of it.  But I am afraid that no matter what her flaws are... I am going to have to blame it on Starbucks.
• How long can I keep her in me so I give birth at the new hospital... I saw those new flat screens... and I want one in my room.  Isn't that most mother's concerns their first day of motherhood?

I'm sure that there are more but at the moment the kid is living in my ribs and it's hard to keep a thought for longer than 30 seconds...

We love Jesus AND we talk about sex.

I said the word masterbation in a group of church leaders.  That isn't so surpising for those of you who know me well.  I don't exactly hold back when it comes to those things but all of a sudden I realized that I was teaching real ministers about talking to their youth.   I realize I'm a 'real' minister but I'm talking about colar wearing, pulpit preaching, big kids.  And I also realized that I said masterbation in the first 2 minutes I was infront of them.  Margo Fisher would be so proud.

So rewind... I was speaking at a training about sexual assault and child safety education in religious communities.  I was asked to speak there because apparently not all churchs have these conversations.  Not all youth ministers put their youth through a four week program where they hear the word sex used more than seems humanly possible.  Not all churchs have parents that not only stand behind but demand that their youth learn about sex from their faith community, not the weird kid in their math class. 

Thank God for my church. 
... and for all my parents, who talk to their kids about sex
... and for my youth who have opinions, and questions, and vocalize them. 
... and for a place where Jesus and sex can exist in one sentence.

half way there...

20 weeks down... 20 more to go.  I got dressed this morning to face the Friday.... looked in the mirror... and almost passed out.  There's no more denying it, it's jeans with elastic waist bands and maternity shirts for me.