things I didn't think I'd think when I was pregnant.

With 4 weeks left* on this adventure of pregnancy there are a few thoughts that have passed through my mind that I never expected to think.  Let alone say out loud. 

*it better be 4 weeks because I really want to give birth at that new hospital... and yes... I check the countdown daily to make sure nothing has changed.

Inapropro pregnancy thoughts

• if my water breaks on my favorite spin bike... does that mean I won't have to get to class 10 minutes early and leave every earthly possession I have on my person on my bike so no one takes it?  Will it become 'that bike' and no one will ever ever ever want to spin on it again... I sure do hope so.
• there is no turning back.  This is really happening, and unless we give her up for adoption this baby is going to be with us ALL THE TIME.  (this was said out-loud to Jay, his face reassured me that I was being irrational and he was a little afraid I am the mother of his child)
• what happens if we have an ugly baby... (like REALLY ugly not ugly-like-they-all-are.  I do realize you will probably see the ugly-like-they-all-are pictures and remember this) She is going to be a girl and as much as I hate to say it... nobody wants to be the ugly girl.  Jay is a good lookin' guy... he could never be a cross-dresser, he would be a horribly ugly woman.  And she will be half him.  Lord help me
• I hope she's not uber smart.  I want an average kid, no super-genius that I can't hold a conversation with or help with her her homework past the 3rd grade.  Plus, our family doesn't really get along with the super smart people, they don't get our sense of humor.
• What if I really should have had LESS caffeine... I tried.  I swear.  But I still drank the daily cup (or two).  I did not do any hardcore drugs so at least I don't have that to worry about that on top of it.  But I am afraid that no matter what her flaws are... I am going to have to blame it on Starbucks.
• How long can I keep her in me so I give birth at the new hospital... I saw those new flat screens... and I want one in my room.  Isn't that most mother's concerns their first day of motherhood?

I'm sure that there are more but at the moment the kid is living in my ribs and it's hard to keep a thought for longer than 30 seconds...

We love Jesus AND we talk about sex.

I said the word masterbation in a group of church leaders.  That isn't so surpising for those of you who know me well.  I don't exactly hold back when it comes to those things but all of a sudden I realized that I was teaching real ministers about talking to their youth.   I realize I'm a 'real' minister but I'm talking about colar wearing, pulpit preaching, big kids.  And I also realized that I said masterbation in the first 2 minutes I was infront of them.  Margo Fisher would be so proud.

So rewind... I was speaking at a training about sexual assault and child safety education in religious communities.  I was asked to speak there because apparently not all churchs have these conversations.  Not all youth ministers put their youth through a four week program where they hear the word sex used more than seems humanly possible.  Not all churchs have parents that not only stand behind but demand that their youth learn about sex from their faith community, not the weird kid in their math class. 

Thank God for my church. 
... and for all my parents, who talk to their kids about sex
... and for my youth who have opinions, and questions, and vocalize them. 
... and for a place where Jesus and sex can exist in one sentence.

half way there...

20 weeks down... 20 more to go.  I got dressed this morning to face the Friday.... looked in the mirror... and almost passed out.  There's no more denying it, it's jeans with elastic waist bands and maternity shirts for me. 

happy thought.

We had an aunty day. We hiked in slippers... with no sun screen. We stopped and looked at every rock/dinosaur egg. I found out my aunt had lied to them last time they had taken this hike and told them that there was shave ice at the second pillbox. I ruined their reality and was totally okay with it. We said hello to everyone who passed us. We stopped 16 year olds who thought they were having a romantic moment from necking. We ate spam musubi and a medium slurpee for lunch. They dressed in profession soccer jerseys... it was pretty epic if you ask me. I love my nephews. ALOT.

Home

The past month has been FULL.

Full of traveling.

Full of family time in Hawaii.

Full of Lenten fasting and Holy Week planning.

Full of Ikea trips and Target looking to figure out what our little one will live in and with.

Full of time to think.

It's amazing what 15 hours both ways on a plane from Charlottesville to Kailua can do for your soul. It had been a very very long time since I had the space to think about life in the big ways instead of life in the small-- what are we eating for dinner-- what time can I fit a gym run in-- sort of way.

And for most of that time I thought about home, probably because I was leaving one for another. I thought about Charlottesville home, my pictures on the wall, my chocolate brown couches, the routine we've created here. And I thought about Kailua, the way I can feel what the weather will do, the way each road carries with it a memory, the way my town looks when you get through the tunnel on the H3... like a little Eden.

I was feeling very 'in between' as I flew from VA to HI. Where do I belong? What does it mean to be home? Is it where most of your memories live? Is it where my family is? It is where I was called by God to be? I have no answers for those questions, I struggle with them daily. But the other day as I sat on my chocolate brown couches watching way too much Netflix and feeling very pregnant I looked over and saw this...

The man who has made me fall in love with him a million times. The man who is so stoic it can make me crazy. The man who refuses to get a new wedding band, even though his is scratched, bent, and tattered (after only 3 years) because it's the one we started with. The man who moved across the country with me because of a still small voice that gave us a call. The man who asked my best friend's permission to marry me over pancakes because he knew how important it was. The father of the baby that grows within me....

and I realized

Home is where my husband is.

Leaving Facebook behind.

So this year for Lent I'm giving up Facebook.

Jay still finds this hard to believe.

Today as I logged on for the 10th time, I found it hard to believe.

Why am I so obsessed with this social-network monster. Because it make me feel connected, let's me know all the little things that are really none of my buisness, and totally buys into my voyeristic ways. But it also brings right to my face one of those deadly sins that eats at me.

Envy.

Every one's life looks so perfect through the lens of facebook. Cute babies. Beautiful houses. Successful friends. Things I feel that I DON'T HAVE. I have always been the jealous type. I am the youngest. Youngest sibling, youngest cousin, youngest friend. Jealousy is part of my makeup. Facebook magnifies it. And I don't like that Emily.

I have had the fb since college. But when I was teaching, and paddling, and getting ready to be married, and paddling, and paddling some more (it was the season on Mike Smith and 5 day a week practices) I didn't touch the thing. And it was blocked from the DOE computers, so that helped. But lately I have used it as a lifeline.

A lifeline to Hawaii.
To Gonzaga.
To friends that are too far away to hug.

But instead of calling or writing I just watch their lives happen, without me, and it either makes me jealous or sad. Neither of which are things I like. People take pictures of the ocean and I suddenly hate them. They get married, and I'm torn-up that I couldn't make it. They have babies and I want to kiss them and hold them and cry because they are so beautiful.

I have done so much watching of others peoples lives that I am removed from them. I am an outsider looking in. And if you are also a youngest... being on the outside is not something we deal with well.

So as Lent is about cleaving the things that poison our lives and drawing closer to Christ I am working on being THANKFUL this Lent. I'm working on GRATITUDE. and my ATTITUDE. I am excited for this adventure because I feel like I am being

set FREE.

It's like I get permission to live my own life without the window into others. If I want to see their lives... I'll have to walk through the door.

a family of 3

It's amazing how we loose ourselves... I apparently lost Emily-the-non youth minister-self for a while. My youth ministry blog has been kept up, my text messaging with youth has been steady, but in the mean time I've begun to slowly drift away from other things I love and people that love me. Ministry can do that sometimes... then God brought me right back to reality.

I'm pregnant.

It's amazing how quickly your priorities fall into place where there is a precious gift growing inside of you. It's also amazing how weird that is but I will write about that another time.

So on December 19th, between church and our annual youth Christmas Caroling & Party I took
two

Yes... two

Pregnancy tests. They both said "hey maybe your pregnant or maybe your eye sight is going"

So a day later I went to my doctor, who bless her soul had me take another test that told us "you crazy girl... you're not pregnant" but because she believes in instinct, and heart, and listening to the small voice she said "let's take a blood test... just to be sure"

and by golly... I knew I wasn't crazy and we were pregnant.

Jay and I spent a few days with our secret, holding it tight like the delicate gift it was until we told our parents on Christmas day. They didn't see it coming, which made it even better. My mom was up at the crack of dawn to open presents with my nephews so we only had to wait until 1pm eastern time to tell them. Jay's parents had a late night and weren't up till later. It may be possible that he called them over 20 times to try to wake them up, but I'm not saying anything.

And in those moments... it became real. We will be a family of 3. Our parents are looking for names they want to be called. We are looking at names (and coming up with all the ways they can be turned into teasing in middle school). My youth know and love to tell me how weird it is. We stop in the baby section on Target instead of just the 'useless crap' section. And we are getting our first ultrasound on Monday to see this little thing.

And that is crazy, and grounding, and real like nothing I have ever experienced.

And no matter how distracted, and flighty, and disconnected I can feel at times... each morning I wake and my hand goes directly to my belly and I know that nothing has ever been this good. Ever.