Deacon... you are F O U R

Deaconator,

Today, you are FOUR!  As I write, you are sitting next to me, on the couch, eating a pint of raspberries, watching Cars 3, living your best life (or as best you can on your birthday when you wake up with an ear infection).  This morning you didn't eat your birthday breakfast cupcake so I knew something was up.  By the time I realized that you'd have to stay home and miss celebrating at school I was in tears and you were joyously enjoying the present you got to open this morning.

You see every opportunity as a chance to have fun.  You find joy in your imagination and in following  the big kids around and joining their worlds.  You love your friends, fiercely, and love us with such a BIG and BOLD love that it makes us want to do better.

This year brought a turning point for you and your sister, you discovered two things:

1. Bickering.
2. That it's easy to do things you are not supposed to do if you are quiet and we are in another room.

While you still have a bond bigger than anything I had even hoped for, you are both living life in your own way.  While Aubrey keeps it inside and we have to dig for details, you are wide open and we sometimes wonder at what point a filter will be a healthy life skill.  The other day your entire class stayed on a star (the highest spot on the behavior chart) and your joy for your universal success gives me hope for the future.  After a rough weekend getting along as a family (winter doesn't bring the best out in ANY of us) I picked you up from school and asked how your day was, your response, "it's easy being nice".  I laughed because I had wished it was that easy at home but it is also you... you lead with your heart.  I LOVE YOU flows freely from your lips and hugs are as common as deep breaths.

You are fearless- in love- and in your body.  If something seems crazy you are the first to jump in.  You love the pool and bike riding and anything that makes you go fast.  You learned to ride a bike this year, a two-wheeler at 3.  It wasn't because you are some super athlete... it's because you are desperate to keep up.  This red big wheel you are on, on the 4th of July this year you caught your foot on the top of the driveway you were bombing and ripped the entire top off your foot.  There was much screaming and gnashing of teeth but you were back to the backyard celebration in time for s'mores.

You are the youngest in our posse of 9.  The families in our neighborhood are what I never thought you'd have.  I grew up with my cousins and was heartbroken that by living in Virginia you would never get that experience but amazingly we were given the Rockbridge Crew.  Everyday you are surrounded by your people.  You are lucky enough to have a mom and a dad and three more moms and three more dads who are ALWAYS looking out for you, cheering you on, and loving you.  It's been a hard year for mama.  One of my students died this summer and it broke my heart in half.  It also means I've been holding you even tighter.  Our people rallied around so that I could do all the things I had to do this summer to show up for his family.  I'm not one for advice but I do want you to know this; there is NOTHING in life more precious than friends.  Nothing.  Having people who choose you and show up for you makes even the worst parts of living bearable and the best parts even brighter.

Your Tutu has progressed and as her memory fades you continue to be her joy.  You bolt to her and jump into her arms, you remind her of the fun in life, and you don't care (or notice) that she forgets--so being with you is easy for her.  I'm not sure how long we'll have her with us but we are so blessed she lives down the street and you will always know she was a big part of your childhood.  I'm learning that even though life isn't always (or ever) like we plan it... it can still be good.

You bring out the crazy in your dad.  Fishing, bike riding, wresting, silly jokes.  You two are clones.  I will never tire of reminding you that you were born into privilege.  This world is actually bent toward you.  You are a white man in America.  You have a choice of what to do with that, and we are working our hardest to help you harness it so that someday the bend towards you lessens.  I dream you will grow up to be like your dad; a powerful voice for LGBTQ friends (even when he's questioned at the Pride Festival gates because his appearance doesn't fit with what people expect at a Pride Festival), a man who honors the innate power of women, and a defender of the forgotten.

You live wild, my boy.  You sing loud, you dance, you cry, you laugh, you GO BIG.  You are deeply compassionate and are your truest self outside and dirty.  While you look just like daddy your insides are just like mine.  We wake up early ready to go, we hate being left out, we feel things more than most people, and we love on a level that can be physically painful but is earth shatteringly beautiful.  You eagerly reach out for communion each week and see God in all the things.

You, my boy, make our family complete and remind us how fun being alive is.


Happiest of happy birthdays, D, thank you for choosing me to be your mama.