New Normal

It's my last week of maternity leave.  How on earth did 8 weeks fly by so freaking quickly?

How did this little baby transform from a foreigner in our home to the heart of it?

How do I get dressed in REAL clothes to go to work?

How do I WORK?  Somedays it takes all I can to get out of the house.

And mostly... how do I drop this little girl off with someone who isn't ME?  I have control issues as it is, with a child they have ramped up.  Yet, I am excited to know what life looks like 

back at the gym

back with my youth

back in the office

back at meetings

all... with a kid.

Every time I think that I just can't do it... I just can't... I think of all of those that have done it in the past... all that are doing it at the same time as me... and all that will be doing it soon enough.

Speak of soon enough... is this what happens in your late 20s (it was very difficult to type LATE 20's) EVERYONE IS PREGNANT.

No, of course it's not EVERY SINGLE PERSON I KNOW but basically.

I could list them all but there are a lot living in the 'secret' phase.  I kinda love that time, when only a few people know and you feel like the luckiest friend ever because you get to know.  Stop guessing... you'll find out soon enough.  

Here is to the new normal.  Where I can't just go to the gym for 2 hours a day.  Where I have to make bottles, and label things (well, I do love the labeling part), and plan meals in advance.  Where time at home seems precious and I'm not antsy to get out.  Where I live my life as Emily, the wife, friend, youth minister, and MOM.  

But today... I'm wearing yoga pants and not leaving the house... because I still have a couple more day so of maternity leave.  

The Best Laid Plans...



Aubrey Grace is here

Praise God

7 pounds

11 ounces

19.5 inches long

and perfect.

She is perfect, everything that led up to and followed her birth was perfectly God's plan and perfectly NOT Emily's.  This whole mom thing is throwing a BIG wrench is my compulsive type-A personality. 

My mom flew the day before my due date for the birth... and left 7 days later right before my water broke.

My non-medicated tub labor became a pitocin induced, internal monitor having, epidural supported labor.

My 9 pound baby I was prepared to birth was not even 8 pounds (that wasn't such a bad surprise!)

My completely breast-fed baby has become a formula baby.

My concerns about her being 'too big' from birth has shifted to us working tirelessly to get her to put on weight.

This is parenthood. 

And in the midst of the madness God has planned perfectly for what he had in store for Aubrey.

A husband who knows how to hold it together, hold my hand, and hold our precious baby.

A church family that brings us meals every night, making sure that if nothing else, we have a great meal every day.

A best friend who took a week away from her family to help me make mine. 

so here we go... she is two weeks old and I have learned more about myself and my Creator than I had in the past 27 years. 

I keep reminding myself that the best is yet to come... but what is happening now is pretty amazing, too.

things I didn't think I'd think when I was pregnant.

With 4 weeks left* on this adventure of pregnancy there are a few thoughts that have passed through my mind that I never expected to think.  Let alone say out loud. 

*it better be 4 weeks because I really want to give birth at that new hospital... and yes... I check the countdown daily to make sure nothing has changed.

Inapropro pregnancy thoughts

• if my water breaks on my favorite spin bike... does that mean I won't have to get to class 10 minutes early and leave every earthly possession I have on my person on my bike so no one takes it?  Will it become 'that bike' and no one will ever ever ever want to spin on it again... I sure do hope so.
• there is no turning back.  This is really happening, and unless we give her up for adoption this baby is going to be with us ALL THE TIME.  (this was said out-loud to Jay, his face reassured me that I was being irrational and he was a little afraid I am the mother of his child)
• what happens if we have an ugly baby... (like REALLY ugly not ugly-like-they-all-are.  I do realize you will probably see the ugly-like-they-all-are pictures and remember this) She is going to be a girl and as much as I hate to say it... nobody wants to be the ugly girl.  Jay is a good lookin' guy... he could never be a cross-dresser, he would be a horribly ugly woman.  And she will be half him.  Lord help me
• I hope she's not uber smart.  I want an average kid, no super-genius that I can't hold a conversation with or help with her her homework past the 3rd grade.  Plus, our family doesn't really get along with the super smart people, they don't get our sense of humor.
• What if I really should have had LESS caffeine... I tried.  I swear.  But I still drank the daily cup (or two).  I did not do any hardcore drugs so at least I don't have that to worry about that on top of it.  But I am afraid that no matter what her flaws are... I am going to have to blame it on Starbucks.
• How long can I keep her in me so I give birth at the new hospital... I saw those new flat screens... and I want one in my room.  Isn't that most mother's concerns their first day of motherhood?

I'm sure that there are more but at the moment the kid is living in my ribs and it's hard to keep a thought for longer than 30 seconds...

We love Jesus AND we talk about sex.

I said the word masterbation in a group of church leaders.  That isn't so surpising for those of you who know me well.  I don't exactly hold back when it comes to those things but all of a sudden I realized that I was teaching real ministers about talking to their youth.   I realize I'm a 'real' minister but I'm talking about colar wearing, pulpit preaching, big kids.  And I also realized that I said masterbation in the first 2 minutes I was infront of them.  Margo Fisher would be so proud.

So rewind... I was speaking at a training about sexual assault and child safety education in religious communities.  I was asked to speak there because apparently not all churchs have these conversations.  Not all youth ministers put their youth through a four week program where they hear the word sex used more than seems humanly possible.  Not all churchs have parents that not only stand behind but demand that their youth learn about sex from their faith community, not the weird kid in their math class. 

Thank God for my church. 
... and for all my parents, who talk to their kids about sex
... and for my youth who have opinions, and questions, and vocalize them. 
... and for a place where Jesus and sex can exist in one sentence.

half way there...

20 weeks down... 20 more to go.  I got dressed this morning to face the Friday.... looked in the mirror... and almost passed out.  There's no more denying it, it's jeans with elastic waist bands and maternity shirts for me. 

happy thought.

We had an aunty day. We hiked in slippers... with no sun screen. We stopped and looked at every rock/dinosaur egg. I found out my aunt had lied to them last time they had taken this hike and told them that there was shave ice at the second pillbox. I ruined their reality and was totally okay with it. We said hello to everyone who passed us. We stopped 16 year olds who thought they were having a romantic moment from necking. We ate spam musubi and a medium slurpee for lunch. They dressed in profession soccer jerseys... it was pretty epic if you ask me. I love my nephews. ALOT.

Home

The past month has been FULL.

Full of traveling.

Full of family time in Hawaii.

Full of Lenten fasting and Holy Week planning.

Full of Ikea trips and Target looking to figure out what our little one will live in and with.

Full of time to think.

It's amazing what 15 hours both ways on a plane from Charlottesville to Kailua can do for your soul. It had been a very very long time since I had the space to think about life in the big ways instead of life in the small-- what are we eating for dinner-- what time can I fit a gym run in-- sort of way.

And for most of that time I thought about home, probably because I was leaving one for another. I thought about Charlottesville home, my pictures on the wall, my chocolate brown couches, the routine we've created here. And I thought about Kailua, the way I can feel what the weather will do, the way each road carries with it a memory, the way my town looks when you get through the tunnel on the H3... like a little Eden.

I was feeling very 'in between' as I flew from VA to HI. Where do I belong? What does it mean to be home? Is it where most of your memories live? Is it where my family is? It is where I was called by God to be? I have no answers for those questions, I struggle with them daily. But the other day as I sat on my chocolate brown couches watching way too much Netflix and feeling very pregnant I looked over and saw this...

The man who has made me fall in love with him a million times. The man who is so stoic it can make me crazy. The man who refuses to get a new wedding band, even though his is scratched, bent, and tattered (after only 3 years) because it's the one we started with. The man who moved across the country with me because of a still small voice that gave us a call. The man who asked my best friend's permission to marry me over pancakes because he knew how important it was. The father of the baby that grows within me....

and I realized

Home is where my husband is.